Thinking

I don't think my brain has quite the capacity to make conscious decisions. I'm pretty sure the conscious side of my brain just gathers the information, and my subconscious makes the decisions. Every so often my conscious will put a restraint on that decision (like, say, delaying my decision to become all plant-eater, or making me feel too proud to return to tkd), but the subconscious usually wins (welcome to day four of the rest of my vegetarian life, and plans to lead tkd classes next year, despite the deflatable ego). I think it's why I feel I'm led by fate sometimes. I tend to realize how 'chance' plays such a role in my life, but it's more than that- luck is what you make of it. Things don't happen to me- I make things happen. I just don't do it on a level where I realize it.

Andrew Cardinal is kind of like Nicholas Rogoza. Both like to think of themselves as having 'figured it out, but I'm going to say I haven't yet because I don't want to seem presumptious and there's the teensiest chance I'll be proven wrong'. They both make me think a lot, because it's so damn impossible to get up a good debate on philosophies when both parties are too flexible. I admit I haven't got a clue what's going on, but I am rather good at pretending I have a theory or an idea. By taking a side and exploring it, I get a nice rounded view of the whole question. Today's question? Life, the universe and everything.

Now, both gentlemen would claim 42 as the ultimate answer (well, nick would if he was witty enough to have read 'hitchhiker's guide'), and I would take on that answer with everything I've got (usually biology, because it's my favorite side to take lately). Ultimately we end up with just more questions to figure out, but that's the fun in thinking, isn't it? Kind of like exponents- you never can really get any smaller, only bigger.

Why are people so mean to each other? When we know something is wrong, why do we do it anyways? Better yet, when we know something is RIGHT, why do we not do it? If we all did what was RIGHT, we wouldn't save anything for ourselves- we'd give it all away. We would never ask for anything, and we would be 'give give give' all the time. Personally, I think we'd be rather miserable, but would never show it, because it's wrong to ask for pity and thankfulness when you're being good and sacrificing.

That, at least, is the classically moral view of it.

What is right and wrong for humans to do? Ultimately, generosity, kindness and compassion are 'right', to serve the basic goal of 'happiness'. At least, that's what jesus would do. When it comes down to it though, I don't think that's what would make us happy at all. We need the pain, the suffering, the confusion, the sadness to counteract the glorious parts of life. I think the world would be rather boring if we were happy all the time. I think I might hate it, if I was happy forever. Paradise sounds like hell, ironically. Sitting on a cloud, laughing and playing my harp- it would be an eternity of boredom. Pain makes things interesting.

Maybe it's the half masochistic views that TKD instilled in me, but I will never forget what Mr. J would always say: Pain let's you know you're alive. Sadness let's you know when you're happy, fear let's you know when you're safe and pain let's you know when you're comfortable. We need death or we wouldn't really be alive.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the real point of our lives is to find true happiness. From what I hear, it's not anything we're living. It's simple. It's not very demanding. It's love. Happiness sometimes feels like it might be 'settling'. It could be 'finding your place in the world'. It coule be a 'soulmate'. It could be 'family'. The key though, seems to just be, well, happy. Wants make the world unhappy, unsatisfied. Get rid of the wants, and you've got a very nice world.

So here we are, Andrew's life goal: the recipe for a good and happy world. One part is peace, satisfaction. Have you ever heard of an unhappy buddhist? With peace as a center point for a religion, as opposed to the christian core of 'sacrifice' and the jewish belief in 'waiting' and the general world religious 'responsibility', I think happiness is easily attainable. All of this freedom, democracy, capitalism bullshit mostly translates to 'dissatisfaction'. We want MORE, if not for ourselves, for others. Maybe saving the world isn't such a great life goal to have: it's the ultimate in wanting MORE. Expecting more, of yourself and others is a whole other ball game. I'm not saying we should stop all ambition. I think we just need to stop expectation. Things are what they are, so there's no point in worrying about the future. We shouldn't be expecting a certain outcome- if it's going to happen, the tools are already in your hands, the wheels already set in motion. If you're meant to have something, you will, and so desire isn't necessarry.

Naturally I'm stuck with new questions: am I taking the choice out of life with this philosophy? is this all in support of fate? should we desire nothing, in order to be happy?

For a girl like me, who's been brought up her whole life in a materialistic society, even the concept of sacrifice is lost on me. Ironic how the christian world seems the most wealthy, the least generous. 'Sacrifice' some how got translated to 'selfish' along the line. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to escape my christian canadian upbringing. I'm hoping biology is going to win this round- I'd like to think peace is naturally programmed into my DNA. Right between 'code for blue eyes' and 'code for ten fingers' there's 'code for world peace'.

I think the problems with humanity all started when we got up off all fours and started walking around. We got different, we got smarter, we became human. There must have been some point in our evolution that we realised: I'm better than all this biology, I'm the best. We lost touch with the inner harmony and got a bit of superiority complex, which naturally led to domination, power hunger. Power feeds power.

The sadest part is, I think we could have gotten here just the same if we hadn't gotten so selfish. Somewhere along the line, our common ancestor hit his best friend over the head and got a bit of a chemical unbalance, which we call 'happy', and doomed us all. I think there's a potential for a much greater intelligence in the world around us- DNA hasn't led us all the way here to see us destroy ourselves. We won't wipe out life, because there's something better than us to come along. I guess it's a good consolation when sterilization of the planet is an everyday possibility.

I guess it's also a good consolation that we're all made of the same stuff. Yes, humanity sucks, but we have just as much chance to BE that ultimate biological ideal as the next blade of grass or c. elegan. Andrew Cardinal wants to bring out that potential in humanity, and I'm kind of of the opinion that we will never BE that potential if we're too selfish to give something else the chance. Save the planet, hug a tree, get in touch with the world.

I have 'figured it out, but I'm going to say I haven't yet because I don't want to seem presumptious and there's the teensiest chance I'll be proven wrong'.

And being the biggest hypocrite on the planet only makes it harder to swallow.

I've been outside maybe once today, and that was to take out all the trash I'd collected over my pathetic eighteen years. My hardest question is why? Why am I spoiling my potential? Why am I wasting the pretty?

SROW